Madness in Command
by RuthR
Summary: Sometimes Spock REALLY hates his job. One-shot, crackish


_Yes, that's right -- I'm a Trekkie, from a family of old-school Trekkies. Although I love TOS, the new movie inspired this little piece. Reboot!Kirk is so amazingly fun to mess around with. _

_Please leave a review if you have the time.  
_

_Summary: Sometimes Spock REALLY hates his job. (Crackish, one-shot)  
_

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MADNESS IN COMMAND

His duties as First Officer often bring Spock into close contact with the _Enterprise_'s new captain, and he is careful to take every opportunity available to him to catalogue any unorthodox mannerisms. After all, it is a responsibility of the second-in-command to see that the ship's leader is functioning to the benefit of the entire crew. A remarkably short amount of time passes, however, before Spock learns that it is simply impossible to differentiate between Kirk's normal behaviors and crippling madness.

Admiral Pike implemented a policy of cool professionalism during his time aboard the _Enterprise_, a system that was sound and pleasantly impersonal. Try as he might, Spock can discern no particular command style of Kirk's, unless chaos itself can be considered a branch of methodology.

One incident seems to follow another -- illogical, irritating, irrational incidents that never appear to trouble the captain. Vulcans are an orderly race by nature, and Spock finds it difficult to comprehend why his fellow officers are so easily drawn into the insanity. The discovery of a fully-functioning still in the Engineering deck, a rather horrifying episode involving the transporter and Mr. Chekov's undergarments, a miscalculation in the food processors that led to a massive outpouring of macaroni -- all these mishaps are treated with a nonchalance that is frankly unsettling.

In truth, the captain himself is often implicated in the incidents; it took Spock nearly a fortnight to discover that Kirk was responsible for refiguring the bridge holoscreen to play Terran 'soap operas' on repeat loop.

And now Spock is once again in his captain's quarters, attempting to impress upon his superior the gravity of yet another incident. And, once again, he is quite unsuccessful.

"Sir, it does not matter if Lieutenant Sulu's actions were motivated by a desire for, as you say, 'epic lulz'." Spock tucks his hands behind his back, projecting a calm he does not feel as he gazes steadfastly at Kirk, who has sprawled across the chair behind his desk. "The fact remains that the lieutenant has inconvenienced the rest of the crew and made a mockery of your command, an appalling disrespect that ought to be addressed."

The captain's look of amusement is replaced by astonishment. "A mockery? Spock, Sulu wasn't being disrespectful. Seriously, it's April Fools' Day. You do know about . . . "

"I am aware of the custom, yes," Spock bites out, "but I do not see how Lieutenant Sulu's actions -- well-intentioned though they may have been -- are in any way appropriate."

"Well, the joke was on me, so I think _logically_ I'm the best judge of whether it was appropriate or not."

"It is extremely doubtful that the inappropriateness of this . . . incident can be in question," he continues, despite knowing that the captain has, in all likelihood, ceased listening to him. "Lieutenant Sulu obtained a photograph from Dr. McCoy which depicted you as an infant in a considerable state of undress. He then manufactured exactly one hundred copies, which he distributed at random intervals throughout the ship. Bearing in mind the ---"

Kirk does not look the least bit embarrassed at the reminder. "Yes, I'm well aware of all that, Spock. So he posted some baby pictures of me butt-naked. It's okay, really. I'll pay him back next year."

"Revenge is an illogical impulse, Captain, and your relative lack of ire does not purge Lieutenant Sulu of responsibility. I cannot fathom how you do not find this invasion of your privacy offensive."

"It's only a picture, Spock, and I had a pretty nice ass even as a kid. What is there to be pissed about? Besides, Sulu and I, we're hardcore bros. I know he didn't mean anything nasty by it."

Spock feels the most irrational urge to tear his own hair out. "Be that as it may, Captain, the crew must be held to a standard of professionalism, and your allowing Lieutenant Sulu to take liberties is not permissible."

"Why, Spock," the captain says, with a pointed smirk that never fails to set his first officer's teeth on edge, "are you _jealous_ of the bond of sacred broness between Mr. Sulu and myself?"

For not the first time since the _Enterprise_'s mission began, Spock recollects the near-strangulation of his captain with nostalgic longing. "I am not bound to emotions like envy, Captain, and I think to suggest otherwise is to disregard the point of this conversation, _id est _Lieutenant Sulu. I wish to remind you that regulations---"

"'Cause really, if you're jealous, we can work something out," Kirk continues, apparently unconcerned with the objection. The captain's hands flutter distractingly in front of him. "We're the commanding officers here, and we have to work well together. Let's not lose the magic, Mr. Spock."

"I fail to see what this has to do with Lieutenant Sulu."

He does not reply, and there is a chance that Kirk has not heard a single word he's spoken; the captain is staring off into the distance until he suddenly snaps to attention. "I know! Chess, Spock -- how about we play some chess?"

Spock eyes him dubiously. Taking into account a margin of error based on his unfamiliarity with the captain's recreational habits, the chance that Kirk will be able to maintain the patient contemplation required for such a game is minimal. "I was not aware you played, sir."

"Yeah, with my gramps." The captain's face darkens almost imperceptibly before he smiles again. "So, is that a 'yes'?"

There is no logical reason to refuse, and Spock can admit privately to some slight amount of curiosity. He allows himself a small nod and receives a blinding grin in return.

"Great!" Kirk enthuses, at a volume that makes Spock flinch inwardly. "This'll be tons of fun, and I'll totally kick your ass." He hesitates. "I'd like this to work out."

"I beg your pardon, sir?"

The captain gestures between them. "This. _Us_. You know, as a working unit. Hell, we didn't exactly get off to a fabulous start, but as long as you don't try to put my head through the console again, I think we'll be okay. Chess is a good start."

Spock just looks at him -- those too-bright eyes, the animated movements, the almost frenetic energy . . . It is all very discomfiting. "May I inquire as to your meaning?"

"It's a good start for us, for getting to know each other; play chess and talk and, like, bond or something. We can share our innermost secrets and talk about feelings and shit."

"I believe you are, as you say, 'making fun' of me," Spock says stiffly. "And I certainly have no desire to discuss excrement."

The captain's expression fluctuates between laughter and surprise, but at length he replies, "I'm not making fun of you -- and you take things _way_ too literally. What I'm trying to get across is that we each need to know what makes the other one tick, for the sake of the _Enterprise_, at least. You and I are basically . . . " He stops, struggling for a word. ". . . parenting this crew. As the captain, I have to mother my ship. You're my First, so you get to be the babydaddy."

"Captain, I am unfamiliar with the term ---"

"What I'm saying," Kirk interrupts, "is that we need to get along, or the whole crew's in jeopardy. Think we can manage that, Mr. Spock?"

There is something in the captain's face that gives Spock a moment's pause. It was illogical, he reflects, to assume that he could control the behavior patterns of his superior officer -- perhaps his time might be better spent attempting to understand said behavior. The probability is not good, but Spock has often observed that familiarity resolves many mysteries.

"I do not . . . object to participating in a chess match with you," Spock tells him, now resolved on a course of action. "Indeed, I hope it may prove most illuminating."

The captain's smile is an eager one, and Spock is left with the nagging impression that he has somehow been manipulated. Against all odds, there exists a stirring of anticipation for the evening's activity. It is bound to result in a number of petty frustrations and possibly an embarrassing outburst of temper, but the captain's company has proved to be both compelling and . . . fascinating.

Perhaps even James T. Kirk's madness has a method.


End file.
